so tara johnson blogged a while ago about how shes still writing and named all her alter egos and i just wanted to say that ive always been writing and have no alter egos. im brutally and painfully honest and call it like i see it and dont hide behind fake faces and if you dont like it, im not asking any of you to be here; theres the door, i hope you let it hit ya where the good Lord split ya on the way out. i really dont need any of your approval nor do i need your respect. im comfortable with who i am and nothing any of you say will ever change that. im still here. i want the last line of my last post to make you cold. to give you chills. make you feel that shiver run all the way down your spine and then back up to your vertebrae. i want the last line of my last post make you stay up--not just tonight, but every night for the rest of your life--wondering what i meant. i want it to make you fall in love with me. i want it to answer all of your life questions. i want it to make you want to leave your wife and daughter to be with me. thats how powerful i want to be. im getting chills right now, thinking about it. remember how it felt to be across the country. just you&me and our dads, upstate, five or so hours from the city. remember how easy life was back then? when we lived next door to each other and i would come over when i felt one of my panic attacks coming on and you would just hold me while i cried? do you ever miss that? i sometimes do, but i cant imagine that you ever would, having the beautiful family that you have now. and im happy for you, i really am, its just that i have that Bieber song running through my head, you know, the one thats like "that should be me, holding your hand, that should be me, making you laugh" and then something about how this is so wrong, i cant go on, until you believe, that that should be me. not that it ever will be. it should be, though. i wonder if i were to write this confessional in ALL CAPS or in a different font. or hand write it out and mail it to you. would you read it then? would it make any difference? probably not. because if were being real with each other, you already know. i know, i know, im stupid for having not told you before you were married, but you have to realize that you were ready to get married and start a family and i wasnt even out of high school yet. so by all means, your wife was the one for you and out there, somewhere, i hope, is the one for me. it just would be nice for him to show up, though. you know that im not patient and that i dont like waiting around. maybe the point of my him not showing up in my life yet, is to teach me how to be patient. which if i have to teach myself to be patient to get you in my life, thats not gonna happen, dude. ill just be a crazy ass cat lady. like Sharon, whos house we worked on together. remember when we found all those dead kittens under her house and Sterling had to throw them away? good times, good times.
im out.
♥Kirsten
